homily-baptism-of-lord-jan-7

Homily: Baptism of the Lord

St. Paul’s, Monroe * Jan 7, 2018

Bump into baptism

[Image of retreat center east of Chicago and small church ministry] … having coffee with the designer of the chapel and the font.

The font was so refreshing with water running down a little rivulet into a small pool. You could easily put your hand down into the water – make the sign of the cross.

The architect told me he wanted people to bump into their baptism the moment they entered his chapel.

I immediately latched onto that phrase and thought “How perfect.”

I first bumped into my baptism with Owen’s baptism (my first child), then subsequently at the baptism of Julian, then their sister Miriam, etc.

Once my life reaches its end, my hope is that I will have not just bumped into my baptism but I will have lived into the fullness of it.

Jesus baptism marks the beginning of his ministry

Jesus’ baptism by John is at the beginning of all the gospels. The gospels are not reporting to us biographical data about Jesus. They are preaching to us the good news of God’s work in the life of God’s people.

They are good news For people who need good news.

They are not biographies, they are proclamations, intended to create followers of the Risen Lord – otherwise known in later years as Christians

They all place this baptism at the beginning of the Good News

As a great bible story-teller once put it, while telling the story of the whole Bible – “The Bible begins like all good stories begin, with ‘Once upon a time…’”

So with the Gospels and their Good News, they begin the way the gospel has to begin – with Jesus’ baptism by John The evidence from the gospels demonstrates that the early church Gospel story-tellers were in fact scandalized by this part of the story, the part about Jesus being baptized by John at the beginning of his ministry.

Imagine: at the very beginning, from the very beginning, the Gospel has caused a scandal.

We might suspect, then, that where the gospel no longer scandalizes, it may have lost its connection to its origins.

The scandal in the case of the baptism is that Jesus – whom John himself said he had come to prepare the way for – he was but a servant to the one who was to come after – that it was John who baptized Jesus. The lesser, as it were, baptizing the greater.

The Scandal

It has taken me a long time to begin to appreciate the central role baptism plays in our vocation as Christians. In fact I am very much still learning.

Many years ago I was introduced to a phrase that sort of captures my gradual learning about baptism. Baptism, a teacher of mine said, is not the end of something – at least in the sense that you’ve arrived at that point. Our whole life after baptism, he said, is living into our baptism.

At least in my life, this has had enormous significance and I would say also enormous consequences. It turns out Baptism matters.

It has been a journey from thinking of baptism as somehow a ticket to heaven – preventing children from limbo or worse. That was the level I knew and thought about baptism when my first child was born. I didn’t really know anything beyond some kind of folklore version of the meaning of baptism. I thought I should get Owen baptized so that he will be saved.

Without knowing, of course, what that meant.

By the time my 2nd child was born and had major surgery before he was 2 weeks old and we were planning to baptize him at Easter in 2 months but it now appeared that having him baptized instead on Pentecost like his brother was a better idea and I had to be an MC at my first funeral the first funeral I had ever been to was one I MC’ed, attended by 2 bishops and many priests and we carried the coffin of the 2 year old who had died tragically to the cemetery while the bell tolled and I wondered with my seminary teacher what if Julian my son had died before he was baptized –

Well, things happened with a lot of intensity to cause me think in new ways about about Baptism.

It turns out that lots of people were thinking about the meaning of baptism. Even more, as I would say today, Christians have been thinking hard about baptism from the beginning. Baptism is like really really important for Christians.

It’s one of the things that has divided Christians over the centuries. It’s the reason that in the early years people would wait until their death bed to get baptized.

After Jesus was baptized, he went off on retreat and prayed. That’s what we call the temptation in the wilderness. When he returned he preached his first sermon. It started off with the words: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me.”

Baptism. Spirit. Prayer. Preaching.

Baptism isn’t so much about salvation – at least from Jesus’ perspective – as it is about what we might call ministry and vocation. Jesus’ ministry and vocation began with his baptism.

That’s a clue for us in trying to understand our own baptism. It is, I have come to believe, the beginning of our vocation and ministry as Christians. Not so much about what we will be doing in life eternal as it is about what our life needs to be about now.

Along the way in my own journey to understand baptism, someone pointed out that for the first few hundred years of the church people would spend – 1, 2, 3, or more years – preparing for baptism. It was a big deal. People prepared for baptism about like people prepare for ordained ministry in our day.

Ministry of all the baptized

Baptism launched Jesus’ ministry. Perhaps we ought to think of it along the same lines for us. It is the beginning of call, of a vocation, – the calling to be a Christian.

It may turn out that the most important thing that can happen to anyone is their baptism. All the other things that have become a part of the Church – ordination, preaching, bishops, priests, deacons, altar guild, vestry – all of that is not as important as the one thing that binds us together. Baptism. And it all began with Jesus’ baptism by John.

Holy Spirit

As Jesus’ baptism is understood in the context of the Spirit – the Spirit about which Isaiah spoke centuries before, and which settled on Jesus to give him the authority of the Father – so we ought to understand our own Baptism as being stamped with the Holy Spirit.

This is not a gentle thing, a peaceful, predictable thing. Our lives are hardly ever gentle, peaceful, and predictable. The meaning of our baptism is not gentle, peaceful, and predictable.

It is wild like the Spirit. It is not to be controlled like the Spirit is not controlled. It is unpredictable like the Spirit is unpredictable.

Wild Goose image of Holy Spirit

Throughout history there have been groups of Christians who have discovered the beauty of a life lived on God’s terms. The Celtic Christians of the early middle ages was one such group. some language for it

They understood from Scripture and from their own life experience that God was not someone we bend to our wants and desires, but rather someone who was beyond our control. Someone who we would need to pursue rather than subdue.

Interestingly, the ancient Celtic people saw the Holy Spirit not as a hovering white dove but as a “wild goose.” The meaning behind this peculiar choice is because they saw how the Holy Spirit has a tendency to disrupt and surprise. The Holy Spirit moves in our lives in an unexpected fashion, similar to the actions of a wild goose. source

We are made in Christ to fly not walk about

Living into our baptism, like Jesus living into his, means living heroic lives. The calling requires extraordinary lives of blessing, forgiveness, service, prayer.

“Come to the edge,“ he said.
”We can’t, we’re afraid!“ they responded.
”Come to the edge,“ he said.
”We can’t, We will fall!“ they responded.
”Come to the edge," he said.
And so they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.”

― Guillaume Apollinaire

This life lived with the Holy Wild Goose can look like many different things. But tame and boring it is not. Some traditional characteristics include:

Corporal Works of Mercy

• To feed the hungry.
• To give water to the thirsty.
• To clothe the naked.
• To shelter the homeless.
• To visit the sick.
• To visit the imprisoned, or ransom the captive.[19]
• To bury the dead.

Spiritual Works of Mercy

• To instruct the ignorant.
• To counsel the doubtful.
• To admonish the sinners.
• To bear patiently those who wrong us.
• To forgive offenses.
• To comfort the afflicted.
• To pray for the living and the dead.

It’s not an exhaustive description of the wild adventure the life of the baptized Christian is meant to be. But it begins to describe it.

Your Calling at St. Paul’s

You are calling a priest to your parish. I would urge you to look to your baptism for guidance and discernment.

Choose a leader who seeks to serve not dominate. Find someone who knows that to be a Christian is to fly. Seek a rector who knows first hand that to be a Christian is sometimes wild and sometimes not, but always an adventure.

Trust that the one who comes will have a real attraction for Wild Geese, unpredictable, honking, geese.

You will have found someone who is living into the fullness of his baptism.

11-20-16-sermon-st-pauls-thanksgiving.md

Church

Sun, Nov 20, 2016 St. Paul’s

lectionary

• make us good stewards
• provide for us
• a wandering Aramean was my ancestor
• rejoice in the Lord always
• whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
• I am the bread of life

What we “ought” to do

At a young age I remember being taught that I ought to be grateful – for any number of things. I ought to write thank you notes. I ought to appreciate all that my parents – or teachers – or ?? did for me.

For the most part I don’t think it worked very well.

On the other hand, I am curious to figure out when did I learn actually become grateful? At what point did I exercise gratitude?

Being grateful

It had to be connected with receiving a gift and knowing that I didn’t somehow deserve it. Had earned it or it belonged to me.

When I got good grades I figured I had worked for them. When I got them without working for them – English honors in senior year – I just figured it was something like good luck.

Being lucky isn’t really related to gratitude.

Possibly it was when my first born was raised above our heads by the delivering physician and he asked me what his name was? I cried uncontrollably.

Perhaps it was a little earlier when I was rock climbing and fell. I was caught:

• my friend held the rope
• the piton held in the rock
• the rope held

Perhaps it was the day I received a cash gift at seminary. Someone had known that our family was in need of money, perhaps because of the birth of our second child, I don’t remember. But I can still vividly remember the moment I opened the unmarked envelope I had just picked up at the campus post office. In it was a bundle of cash. No note. No way to send a thank you note. The only thing to do was to be grateful.

It was quite a bit later in life that I learned about a teaching of the Rabbis – the goal of offering 100 blessings / day

Question: I once heard that there is a certain amount of blessings we should attempt to say each day. How many is it, and what is the source of this idea?

Answer: There is indeed such a teaching. We are to recite 100 blessings each day. The Talmud1 extrapolates this from a verse in Deuteronomy:2 “Now, Israel, what does G‑d, your G‑d, ask of you? … to walk in His ways … and to serve Him.”

The Hebrew word for “what,” mah (מָה), is phonetically similar to the word me’ah (מֵאָה), which means 100. In other words, the verse can be understood as saying: “Now, Israel, a hundred does G‑d, your G‑d, ask of you”—one hundred blessings.

chabad.org

Guides

• thanking someone who doesn’t usually get thanks
• Know the value of small things
• learn the value of giving thanks for small things
• Cultivate being grateful
• make it a minimum goal to offer it 100 times in a day

There are countless articles out there touting the value of gratitude. But is that really what’s going on here? Is it – this is good for you – ?

That’s not the reason for doing it.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” – Oprah Winfrey

Habakkuk: giving thanks even when the fig tree withers

3:17 Though the fig tree does not blossom, and no fruit is on the vines; though the produce of the olive fails, and the fields yield no food; though the flock is cut off from the fold, and there is no herd in the stalls, 18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the God of my salvation. 19 God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, and makes me tread upon the heights. To the leader: with stringed instruments.

“Sing as if no one can hear; dance as if no one is watching; dream as if there are no impossibilities” (Annie)

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.” - Meister Eckhart

End of Church year – begin of new

• This Sunday is the last of the church year
• gift of last 50 years, that we get to hear from each of the gospels over a 3 year cycle – this next year gospel of Matthew
• Like other “new years”, it gives us a chance to look back and take stock and to gird our loins for the upcoming year. or
• For all that has been, Thank you. For all that is to come, Yes!
  Dag Hammarskjold

Sun, Nov 13, 2016: St. Paul’s

Church

Sun, Nov 13, 2016: St. Paul’s

lectionary

• Holy Scripture written for us
• I shall build a new Heavens – focus on Jerusalem – no more the sound of weeping
• the wolf and the lamb shall lie down together
• the stones of the temple thrown down – when you hear of wars and resurrection – nation will rise against nation
• they will arrest you

The Bible and the Times

“This past week has been an emotional and turbulent one for many people in our nation.”
We had an election last week. … you probably noticed.
Perhaps the greatest 20^th; c. theologians, Karl Barth, said that sermons should be written with the Bible in one hand and the newspaper in the other. He came to that conclusion after watching his German Evangelical Church first support the Kaiser in his war-making effort in the 1^st World War and then much more alarmingly when it supported the rise of Adolph Hitler.

The events of the past week require me to look at the Bible and the newspaper at the same time. And I’m not particularly comfortable doing it. What the newspaper (and all the other venues for news) tell us connected to the political events of the American election of the past week. I have been so cautious my whole ministry to avoid even the appearance of partisan politics in my church speech and actions.
I recognize that the church is “church” for all people, whatever their political persuasion. I recognize that Christ died for all people.

The results of my reading of the newspaper in one hand and the Bible in the other, however, convinces me that we live in radical times. One of the results of the election I read about in the newspaper is that there have been a number of racist and violent messages in a number of communities. I read that many of our citizens are fearful of what is to come after the pronouncements of the political campaign that we have just witnessed. There have been a number of protests to the election throughout the country. I wonder if there has ever been anything similar in the history of our country?

It convinces me that the message for the church cannot be “business as usual.”

Our times have become exceptional times

• apocalyptic times – like we hear of in the gospel today.

The eschatological images fit the time we live in.

• “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be great earthquakes, and in various places famines and plagues; and there will be dreadful portents and great signs from heaven.”

The world we live in is filled with unfathomable images, trends and trajectories, hopes and despairs that seem beyond speaking.

• 9/11
• the melting of the ice caps
• warfare fought in the middle east with ferocity and frenzy that seems to come from a world gone by

But such events have been occurring with regularity throughout Christian History:

• The sack of Jerusalem, expulsion of Jews from Judea
• Nero blaming all his troubles on the Christians in Rome
• Justin Martyr and countless others marched to an amphitheater to be killed by lions.
• The destruction of Rome within a century of it becoming a “Christian” city
• The murder and destruction of Jews, Muslims and Arab Christians at time of the crusades
• the Black Plague when ½ the population of Europe died
• the wars of religion throughout Europe
• 20th c. wars … for example, the matter of deaths caused by war: in the 18th century, about 4 million people died in wars; in the 19th century, about 8 million people died in wars; in the 20th century, nearly 100 million people died in wars.
• the Holocaust, and genocides of the 20th c.

The end times: what is its meaning?

Apocalyptic literature was and continues to this day to be written for the encouragement of those who experience persecution or destruction. It is intended to convey the message that the ruins about us are not God’s final answer.
We, the church, must reflect God’s answer. It is not the case that things will inevitably get better and better for our country or the world. One person said:

There is no biblical basis for a hope in inevitable progress. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that things will gradually get better until at last the kingdom is present, and in fact it is closer to the biblical truth to say that things will get worse before they get better. 1

At the same time, the Bible could not be clearer that we are responsible for our end of things. Bp. Desmond Tutu once put it in the most succinct way possible: God has made us responsible for His reputation.

Exceptional demands are upon us

We are at this moment a nation deeply divided upon itself.

When Luke said of Jesus (back in ch. 11 of Luke) But he knew what they were thinking and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself becomes a desert, and house falls on house.” he wasn’t talking about politics. He was talking about the Kingdom of God vs. the Kingdom of this World.

What would Jesus do about the division in our country?

“What would Jesus do?”

What would he do about the more than ½ of our nation that feels themselves to be under threat from the President elect?

How can we be responsible for God’s reputation in these times?

I am not presuming to tell you the answer to the questions I pose, but I think the times demand an answer from us. Not to answer is itself an answer.

An expository article from Interpretation 1982. “It can be said that Christian life is placed between history and eternity. It takes part, on the one hand, in the history of the world within which it exercises its faith; and it participates, on the other hand, in the power of the resurrection as the token of the new world toward which it is straining."

All of this reminds us that the events of the last week – as polarizing and shocking as they were (no matter your allegiance) – is but the perspective from this side of the Resurrection -- where God made us responsible for His reputation.

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1. St. Louis commentary: ↩

The Episcopal Church circa 2016

I am grateful and inspired by The Rev. Tom Buechele's recent email, shared with the retired clergy of the diocese of Hawai’i. In it he took note of the seemingly extreme demand for supply clergy in remote congregations. He had received requests from as far away as Mexico. He wondered about the health of the church where so many Episcopalians were not able to get the sacraments on a Sunday morning. In his lengthy email he said:

“Allowing for really trying to maintain a non-anxious presence in
an anxious world, our institutional religious leadership needs to
“wake up and smell the coffee”. Many are, but not enough! Never mind
the folks not in the pews, the folks in the small congregation pews
are not happy. They are the ones, who if a Bishop Donald or Donna
Trump would come along …would vote for him or her immediately.
I’ve always been a Christian Socialist all my life, so unbridled
capitalism in my moral theological training is sinful. Feeling the
Bern has brought me to a conclusion about our grand and historical
Episcopal Church in the USA. It is part of the inequality quotient
that us older activist clergy and millions of millennials rail
against. Good and faithful worshippers, elder lay folks, new immigrant
communities are struggling and they are angry.” (My name is Rev. Tom
Buechele+ and I am a retired Episcopal priest, age 73, residing in
Oregon.)

I am a retired priest living in South Carolina, the opposite side of the
country from either Oregon or Hawai’i, depending on how you might see
it. The churches around here seem to be pretty occupied with keepin’ on
keepin’ on. Tom’s email strikes me as a wake-up bell to a church that
has gone to sleep, all too often focused and passionate about what is
tangential and too much unable to “smell the coffee” as Tom puts it.
This piece is only tangentially about making the sacraments, i.e.
Eucharist, available to small congregations. That is the presenting
issue of a much larger malaise. Analogous examples from the non-church
world would include: a graduate from college entering the adult world
saddled with debt that will leave them enslaved for life, millions of
Americans who suffer and die for lack of health care, while the
pharmaceutical industry and insurance companies enrich themselves,
oblivious to the human cost. We have become a nation with a few
ultra-wealthy and powerful “rulers” and a vast population of angry but
often compliant followers. Tom suggests, I think, that a similar kind of
misguided priorities exists and has existed in the Episcopal Church, the
church that Tom and I have loved and served.
The church, Tom seems to say, like our nation, has lost its way. As I
recently looked through old papers I had long ago filed away, I found an
article written in the 90’s by a church consultant and priest. The
author lamented that he saw no evidence that the challenge to double the
size of the church by 2020 would actually be met. With great fanfare the
institutional church put forward the “20/20” challenge. The author of
the article observed that he saw no deeper **purpose for doubling in
size** being articulated. There is no deeper driving force other than
keepin’ on doin’ what we’ve always done – just do it twice as hard and
twice as much. You might say it was the voice of a jaded and cynical old
priest who wrote that essay. You may say it of me. But in response I
affirm that I speak from a deep love of the God of the universe and of
the church which his Son passed on to our care and nurture. I have a
sense of the passing of time in one man’s life and of the enduring but
ever-changing seasons of the life of the church.
I have often remembered Bp. Michael Ramsey saying that he could well
imagine a time when the Anglican Communion was no longer a part of God’s
plan and would then pass away. I talked with my millennial son last year
about his thoughts regarding the approaching demise of the “American
Empire.” He accepted the diagnosis and said that he only hopes that the
new world order could be accomplished without war. Generally the passing
of one empire to the next is accompanied by violent upheaval.
We live in such times and Tom seems to me to be saying that the
Episcopal Church has for a long time been a representative of the old
order, “part of the inequality quotient.” Today, in the prayer we use
every day in our household, we observed World Conscientious Objector Day
and read Maximilian the martyr, “I cannot enlist, for I am a Christian.
I cannot serve, I cannot do evil. You can cut off my head, but I will
not be a soldier of this world, for I am a soldier of Christ.” In such
as he we can hear one who has a clear eye on the larger purpose for
leading the church into the new age. Do we as a church offer the kind of
vision that can inspire the world? Or do we offer a vision of an
institution that wants to maintain the status quo? The professional
clergy of our church have a huge stake in defending the financial
benefits the church offers – it offered it to me in retirement. But how
is that not an impediment to risking one’s life on the truth of the
gospel in a way that inspires the world? I emphasize ”inspire” on the
Day of Pentecost when we celebrate and re-member the church as a place
that is filled with the air of the Holy Spirit. We note that it is that
air that sent the church aloft, a red balloon alive and floating through
the streets and alleyways of the empire. It is the whimsy of a red
balloon that I think our church needs in this age. Providing sacraments
isn’t about protocol and it isn’t about financial arrangements. We’re
talking about a little bit of wine and a bit of bread in a small
congregation. Even in the favelas of Brazil one could find a bit of wine
and bread for a small and poor congregation. It’s a question of
“inspiration” not of institutional adjustment.
On “A Prairie Home Companion” last night I heard a re-worked rendition
of Cole Porter’s “Let’s do it, Let’s Fall in Love.” Whether or not the
song intended to be euphemistic in its phraseology or not is an open
question. The nature of the song has meant that many times over the
years it has been re-worked the way Garrison Keillor did last night. His
version said among others things that even Democratic Socialists who
feel the Bern can “do it.” Even people in Spokane, WA (the location of
the broadcast show) “do it.” You have to sing along to really hear it.
But “falling in love” with God is what the red balloon is about.
In-spired with love. That could bring the sacrament to every nook and
crany the whole world over.
Faithfully,
The Rev’s Dale C. Hathaway, Rock Hill, SC

Parental Alienation

Title: Parental Alienation: my view of the Beast
Author: Dale C. Hathaway
Date: December 2015

Abstract:

This is an attempt to put into a few words the depth of emotion I have experienced as my beloved daughter has been stolen from my affections. While I have at times felt devastated by the experience, the far more important issue for me is the impact on the life of my daughter. I offer this as a vehicle for education regarding this important, though controversial, topic.

---

The beast named: parental alienation.

Oh to feel helpless when injustice is imposed by the established powers. To see an innocent child used by the adults in her life for their own purposes is to want to rage inside and out. But the rage is impotent. The child acts tough and in charge. She just “carries on.” And the world goes on, much as it always has.
In prayer this morning the lectionary was from Isaiah:

God looked and saw evil looming on the horizon— so much evil and no
sign of Justice. He couldn’t believe what he saw: not a soul around to
correct this awful situation. So he did it himself, took on the work of
Salvation, fueled by his own Righteousness. He dressed in Righteousness,
put it on like a suit of armor, with Salvation on his head like a
helmet, Put on Judgment like an overcoat, and threw a cloak of Passion
across his shoulders. (59:15 ff.)

God has been looking on at his people and his creation for millenia, grieving at the pain and injustice his beloved have endured. He has watched as it has been repeated over and over again, generation after generation.
Who am I that think of myself as exceptional that I have seen and experienced my little acreage of injustice and innocent suffering?

What is this thing I have seen and experienced?

---

Briefly it is the description and associated theories of the process whereby a child of estranged parents rejects a once-loved parent for reasons that are absurd or indecipherable. The process by which this happens has been studied over the course of the last generation and many nuances have been pursued. It has been associated with circumstances of child abuse and distorted parenting.

“when a group of parental behaviors are damaging to children’s mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent.” [see esp.] 1 [but see also]2 “In a survey at the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts in 2010, 98% of the 300 respondents agreed with the question, “Do you think that some children are manipulated by one parent to irrationally and unjustifiably reject the other parent?”. However, Parental Alienation Syndrome refers not to this manipulation, but to a serious illness in the child in which he or she despises and rejects one of the parents.”3

Some of the therapeutic literature focuses on the pathologies present in the rejecting parent. This might take the form of seeing patterns of the rejecting parent projecting his or her own inadequacies or abusive experiences onto the rejected parent. The pathology of the rejecting parent is of Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

“Superior courts worldwide are now recognizing parental alienation as serious child abuse with long-term effects and serious outcomes for the “PAS Child”. Some jurisdictions have enacted parental alienation as a criminal offense, the latest being Brazil and Mexico.”4

Parental alienation has been a contentious concept in the family law arena as well as among mental health professionals (some of whom have been co-opted for use in the court arena) since the 1970’s. The Wikipedia article is a tremendous resource. [see also] 5
At the same time, the discussion has taken place largely in the context of the legal system, divorce proceedings, child custody disputes.

Symptoms:

---

Symptoms in the victim – the child – might include something like the following definition:

The child lacks attachment to a parent. In relationship to that parent, the child displays “grandiosity, entitlement, absence of empathy, haughty, arrogant behavior and delusional belief systems” about a parent being inadequate or abusive. The child engages in splitting, believing that one parent is entirely good and the other parent is entirely bad.
Except for the symptoms of attachment and delusional belief, each of these is a criterion in DSM 5 for either Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder*.6

The Child is the victim:

While the focus, in the courts and in the literature, is often on the parents in conflict, the primary concern is and ought to be on the child caught in the midst of parental forces.7
Johnston (2005) defines an alienated child as one

who expresses, freely and persistently, unreasonable negative feelings and beliefs (such as anger, hatred, rejection and/or fear) toward a parent that are significantly disproportionate to the child’s actual experience with that parent. Entrenched alienated children are marked by unambivalent, strident rejection of the parent with no apparent guilt or conflict (p. 762).(quoted in http://www.vawnet.org/advanced-search/referring to Johnston, J.R., Walters, M.G., & Olesen, N.W. (2005). Is It Alienating Parenting, Role Reversal or Child Abuse? A Study of Children’s Rejection of a Parent in Child Custody Disputes. Journal of Child Custody*, 5, 191-218.) 8

While the focus is properly on the true innocent victim in this process, recent research has paid attention to dynamics of the entire family system. This is in keeping with a general trend over recent generations to understand all of us as living in inter-related systems where what affects one may well affect another at some distance away.

Some formulations of the concept have emphasized the role of an alienating parent, termed variously the “programming” parent or “embittered-chaotic parent”. More recent descriptions, influenced by the research of Kelly and Johnston, have proposed a more complex analysis, in which all family members may play a role. This “systems-based” view acknowledges that a child may be alienated from one parent without “alienating” behaviour by the other parent. The results of an empirical study also suggest that alienating behaviors by both parents are the norm in high-conflict divorces. Rejected parents, generally fathers, tend to lack warmth and empathy with the child; instead, they engage in rigid parenting and critical attitudes. The rejected parent is often passive, depressed, anxious, and withdrawn - characteristics which may encourage further rejection. The parent that the child aligns with (the aligned parent) may engage in alienating behaviors, including undermining the other parent.9[and] 10
No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main. (John Donne)

The literature tends to assume that restoring the affection of the child to the rejected parent is a good thing. This is a good thing. Ultimately the parents’ wishes and needs must pass to the child and his or her well-being.

My experience has been outside the focus of the literature

My parenting:

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I used to joke about how God gave me multiple opportunities to learn how to be a father because I was so crappy at it that He gave me several chances to get it right (or better).
By the time I was working on my 3rd round of parenting, I was anything but the stereotypical American father: controlling, rigid, and remote.
I was engaged, loving, both maternal and paternal. I took the children to the doctors and made sure they were at soccer practice. I rocked them to sleep and read them stories at bedtime – up through middle school when they didn’t want it any more. I tried to provide a model for honesty, and accountability, believing that it was far more important for them to see me living the ideals I wanted them to learn and make their own.
Even in that setting I experienced how that set of circumstances could be used against me as a weapon.
I once experienced the American judicial system gone amuck in the name of protecting children.
An uneducated day care worker from another culture had just undergone child abuse training. She had learned there that if there was any indication of abuse with the child then she was required to report it to “the authorities.”
That worker didn’t understand me carrying my daughter on my shoulders into the day-care center every day. I took her every day, not her mother, and we laughed and played with great frequency. My daughter and I had a good rapport. The day care worker didn’t understand.
As a result the state intruded and prevented me from picking that child up from kindergarten that day and I underwent interrogation and investigation by the police department. They, of course, found no evidence of anything but a loving and involved parent.
I know something about these things and how easy it is to libel and defame an innocent person.
It seems that in the end my efforts to be the best possible father I could be were somehow used against me, somehow providing fodder for the alienation that was foisted onto my youngest children.
I have experienced how libel and lies can be used to tear down the innocent (myself) and to ultimately harm the truly innocent (my children).

The search for peace

Remorse for my part, mourning for the loss. Is there a lesson to be learned?

Divorce broke my marriage with my second wife and mother of two children. I had for years described my daughters to people I met as the “lights of my life”. I understood through them what it meant to be prepared to die to protect another person.
I don’t mean to sidestep responsibility for divorce when I say that some alien force called “divorce” happened to us, like a tree falling on us in the midst of a torrential storm. I participated in the narrative that culminated in divorce. I broke my vow that I would never willingly engage in divorce again. I decided that staying married for the sake of the children was a greater burden on the children than I wanted to heap on them.
I no doubt misunderstood all the players in our family drama. But it must be said that I had worked very hard for many decades at understanding myself and the people in my life. I was not just some oaf. The people of my parish (I am an Episcopal priest) experienced me as deeply caring, compassionate and understanding.
It was not I that sought to make sure that my children would never speak to me again. I don’t know the nature of the accusations against me. But what I have experienced is a child who once adored me has nothing to do with me now.
Many are the children who have lost their parents too young. Many are the children who have overcome great depredation, only to succeed and even flourish. But what of the scars? What is the cost? Who pays? How might extended family members have assisted the well-being of the child? How did the courts contribute to the alienation? How did they fail the child? How did the churches and her leaders fail the child – all in the name of “staying above the fray” or voicing concern when actions suggested cowardice?
I don’t know the answer to most of the questions that I was left with through this experience. I write this from the lanai of a condominium overlooking the ’Au’au Channel and Moloka’i. I am sensitive to the great Spirit that flows through these islands and I know that my alienated daughter has felt that spirit herself. I am moving to a place where I am prepared to entrust her to the care of that Spirit. Most everyone else has let her down.

Resources:

Barbara Kay(2015). Barbara Kay: Teaching children to hate the ex. URL:http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/barbara-kay-teaching-children-to-hate-the-ex.
Is Emotional Abuse as Harmful as Physical and Sexual Abuse? (2015). URL:https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/featured/emotional-abuse-harmful-physical-sexual-abuse/13944.
Parental alienation(2015).en.Wikipedia:PageVersionID:696354612. URL:https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612.
The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children.
Wallin, Paul (2015). Should Parental Alienation Be a Crime? | WK. URL:http://www.wkfamilylaw.com/parental-alienation-crime/.

Notes:

---

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
2. http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/barbara-kay-teaching-children-to-hate-the-ex ↩
3. https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
4. http://www.vawnet.org/advanced-search/print-document.php?doc_id=1679&find_type=web_desc_AR ↩
5. The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children*(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children. ↩
6. https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
7. The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children*(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children. ↩
8. The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children*(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children. ↩
9. https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
10. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children ↩

thanksgiving-sermon.md

St. Paul’s Nov. 22, 2015

Thanksgiving Day
Year B RCL
Joel 2:21-27
Psalm 126
1 Timothy 2:1-7
Matthew 6:25-33
Last Sunday after Pentecost: Christ the King
Proper 29
Daniel 7:9-10, 13-14
Psalm 93
Revelation 1:4b-8
John 18:33-37
Year B
lectionary
text this week
draft1

Gratitude does not come easily

As an annual celebration of the harvest and its bounty, moreover, Thanksgiving falls under a category of festivals that span cultures, continents, and millennia. In ancient times, the Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans feasted and paid tribute to their gods after the fall harvest. Thanksgiving also bears a resemblance to the ancient Jewish harvest festival of Sukkot. Finally, historians have noted that Native Americans had a rich tradition of commemorating the fall harvest with feasting and merrymaking long before Europeans set foot on their shores. citation

• Prophet Joel a strange reading, with apocalyptic as well as pastoral images
• Ps 126 like a vision of the restoration at hand
• Timothy urging supplications and thanksgivings
• Matthew: don’t worry about … Gentiles strive for these things … rather strive for Kingdom of God righteousness

The images we receive from the gospel for this day are attractive.
Look at the birds of the air; … Are you not of more value than they? … Consider the lilies of the field,
When my son and I took kayaks down the Catawba back in August, one of the most poignant aspects was that we put ourselves into the midst of natural patterns and of nature itself that I could really appreciate it. The herons over in the tidepool. The turtles sunning themselves on the rocks.
In many ways I was grateful.
Jesus also speaks to us through the gospel and makes clear that to be a follower of the kingdom we need to let go of worry, of all the things that we can find to be anxious of. That none of those things “add a single hour to your span of life” he says.
Thanksgiving Day is a day that has evolved for us all too often into countless opportunities to worry. All the food preparation. Storage in the refrigerator. Family traveling. What will we do with Uncle Zachariah (whatever the particular family member is that can be depended on to say something inappropriate or sure to cause offense to someone.) All the freight surrounding watching sports, the winners and losers, the ones who presume too much and those who resent too much… oh it’s a tremendous opportunity to hold onto stuff rather than let it go.

Gratitude knows when to let go

To move to a spirit of gratitude takes some doing, some intentionality, some decision-making that this is going to happen. To give up worry and anxiety is to let go, to let God, …
to move from “This is the day that the Lord has made …” to “Serenity prayer”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The Serenity Prayer, penned by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr and adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous, says so much in so few words:
By[^1] adopting gratitude, we can discover that what we imagine is is vital to our well-being may well be the thing that stands in the way of vision of the gospel.
If we can let go of anxiety, we have the freedom and the peace to be able to recognize that we have far more than we need.
[^1] see citation

Gratitude knows what is important

Zach was born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. As might be expected he developed cerebral palsey. He was not severally handicapped but visibly so and I knew that socially he often discriminated against. I knew him from my parish in Michigan City many years ago.
There was another side of Zach that I also knew. I saw the emotion, the passion, the excitement that he showed when he served as an acolyte. In a Sunday School class he gave me the best definition of ordination that I have ever heard. [I’ll have to tell you that story later.] I had tears when I saw him carry the cross one Good Friday, with his shuffle, his determination, his inner joy all the way around the church.
Zach showed me what gratitude was like when you knew what important and what was not.

Gratitude costs

“You’re not you”

Kate (Hilary Swank), a classical pianist is diagnosed with ALS. Her husband Evan (Josh Duhamel) tries to find someone to take care of his wife. Bec (Emmy Rossum) – a college student – applies for the job despite her lack of experience. Kate sees something special in Bec and wants to have her as her caregiver to help her with everyday things
A drama centered on a classical pianist who has been diagnosed with ALS and the brash college student who becomes her caregiver.
The phrase came at a point where Kate (the piano player) can no longer speak to carry on a conversation, the caregiver (Bec) speaks for her. At one point she is speaking to her estranged husband – and Bec’s anger breaks into the simple translation – Kate says, “You’re not you” – meaning she’s supposed to just be speaking for herself.
In the end both characters have fought through many tears, the anguish of holding someone as she takes her last breath, knowing that she has been seen by another – truly loved – they have reached a place of peace (of Shalom) that they could each say, as it were, “They can take me away.” Both have learned, through the pain and the laughter, through the loss and the riches, – how to love.

Gratitude has an eye on God

Isaiah was another young person I knew in my parish in Honolulu. I met him when he was about 1 year old. He had been born to drug addicted parents and he had a number of learning type disabilities that it took him years to overcome.
I baptized him after his foster parents adopted him. I was there to greet him the day the judge made his ruling. We baptized him on Easter following that date. From that moment on Isaiah received communion, bread and wine, (we used real bread). And I will never forget the way he responded, his look, his expectant eyes, … He showed us what it looked like to be receiving God himself into his hands.
As a youngster of 4 Isaiah would go out and meet visitors to the church and if there was a child he would make sure that he or she was brought to the altar to receive “Jesus.”
Isaiah showed me that gratitude – deep gratitude – comes from keeping your eye on God and not on ourselves.

Gratitude has to be cultivated

Gratitude, like grace it turns out, isn’t free. It costs. It is hard won. It’s not something that comes with a privileged background.
It’s the grace that comes free. Our response, our response of gratitude to the grace we have received, comes with the cost of

• letting go
• keeping focused on what is important in our lives
• recognizing God as the source of it all
• and giving it away

For some it might take a lifetime of struggle to find that place of peace and gratefulness. For others it seems to accompany us from the earliest age. But never is it cheap. It is among the most valuable things there is.

You will welcome your priest home with gratitude

Sally will be back next week. I encourage you to welcome her with gratitude for what God has done in her life. She will have been in a special environment for over a week. Not just the time away, the vacation, the re-creation. But

• Clergy
• retreat
• education
• discernment
• opportunity

A priest friend of mine once said that a basic principle about personal expectations in presenting to people:

1. with a morning presentation, you can teach someone something
2. with a weekend with someone you can persuade them to do something
3. with a week or more you can hope to change someone

Your rector will have been changed by God. I don’t know how, but I give thanks for it.

Training for Gratitude

NB that next week Advent begins.
- time until Christmas
- school year, children at home, grandchildren to visit (we got a picture of our youngest – he looks so grown up. his mother says, “he’s not a baby any more. He’s a boy!”)
- a year of focus on another set of readings on Sunday (and if you use it, the daily lectionary)

Sharing our models for Gratitude

Finally, then, I want to make possible what I have always done on Thanksgiving – for 30 years or more. I invite others to share with us the things, the people, the events, for which they are grateful.
Perhaps you can share with us people or events like I have tried to evoke that mean “gratitude” for you.

Among the gems of the BCP is the prayer with which we can close:

Almighty God, Father of all mercies,
 we your unworthy servants give you humble thanks
 for all your goodness and loving-kindness
 to us and to all whom you have made.
 We bless you for our creation, preservation,
and all the blessings of this life;
 but above all for your immeasurable love
 in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ;
 for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory.
 And, we pray, give us such an awareness of your mercies,
 that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise,
 not only with our lips, but in our lives,
 by giving up our selves to your service,
 and by walking before you
 in holiness and righteousness all our days;
 through Jesus Christ our Lord,
 to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit,
 be honor and glory throughout all ages. Amen.

Celebrity lifelessons

Bob Hoskins life lessons

The testimony of many is that he was a loving and family oriented person. She wrote: “The loss of my dad has broken my heart, but these are the words I’ll keep close to me forever.” Explaining the advice had been “tailor-made” for her, she added: “They are his words; the words spoken so often to encourage, comfort and
reassure.”Hoskins’ words of wisdom include instructions to

• “laugh long and loud”,
• to “be yourself” and
• to “never, ever, ever, ever give up.”
• He also told his family to appreciate beauty,
• to be “generous and kind, because you can’t take it with you”,
• and to “love with all your heart”. “In the end, love is the only
  thing that matters,” he had said.

estranged from parents

Celebrities

Former child star Macaulay Culkin

legally emancipated himself from his father Kit Culkin in 1997 – the two
have been estranged ever since – his brother Kieran (also an actor)
followed suit shortly after. His father has recently come out imploring
his son to get help after it was rumoured that Macaulay was addicted to
heroin and only has a short time to live.

Early last year Lindsay Lohan’s

mum, Dina, confessed that Lindsay was no longer on speaking terms with
her father Michael. Lindsay went on to reveal that the reason why they
became estranged is because Michael would not stop talking about her. “I
am sorry that my father has continually chosen to speak publicly about
our relationship, my mother, my siblings, and my professional team. I am
working through my recovery day-by-day and find his public media bouts
unnecessary and damaging,” she stated.

Adele’s

father Mark Evans walked out on the future Grammy winner and her mother
when she was just two. He recently confessed his regret, revealing,
“It’s too painful. There’s so much regret on my part – regret that I
wasn’t a better father to her. I let her down badly, and I wish I could
turn the clock back and do things differently.”

Angelina Jolie’s

real-life father Jon Voight may have played her dad in the hit flick
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, but the two became estranged, until Ange phoned
her father following the death of her mother in 2007. When Jon found out
about the brunette beauty’s plans to marry Brad Pitt, he proclaimed, “It
was very nice I thought. If they are happy – if they’re going to have a
wedding – it’s wonderful.”

Jennifer Aniston

was estranged from her mother, Nancy Down, for more than a decade after
she gave a revealing interview about their relationship in 1996. The
former Friends star reportedly called her mother and told her she’d
never forgive her for betraying her trust. Nancy’s 1999 book, From
Mother and Daughter to Friends: A Memoir, didn’t make things any better,
but Jen’s divorce from Brad Pitt in 2005 reunited the mother daughter
duo. “Yeah, it’s been really nice,” she revealed of the reconciliation
after nine years of estrangement.

Kate Hudson

has admitted that she calls Kurt Russell (mum Goldie Hawn’s long-time
partner), ‘pa’ and doesn’t speak to her biological father, musician Bill
Hudson, much. She once confessed, “[Bill Hudson] doesn’t know me from a
hole in the wall. But I don’t care. I have a dad [Russell]. The bottom
line is, you call your kids on their f**king birthday. I’m glad I had
a dad who was there on my birthday”

Meg Ryan

has been estranged from her mother, Susan Jordan, since the late 1980’s.
The film star’s relationship with her mum was already strained after
Susan left Meg’s father in 1976, but when she became openly critical of
Meg’s first husband, Dennis Quaid, Meg didn’t invite her to the wedding
and cut her out of her life. In 1993, her mother confessed that her
daughter hadn’t spoken a word to her in three years, revealing, “I wish
there would be forgiveness. To be frank, I pray for it. It’s a painful
business to be estranged from your child.”

Christina Aguilera

has claimed that she was emotionally and physically abused by her
estranged father Fausto, but has recently admitted that she would
consider reconciling. The singer confessed, “I’ve talked about how rough
things were for me and I’m sure he’s heard it. He can’t be thrilled
about it. So maybe one day we can do lunch… I’m 31 years old now.
Maybe it’s time.”

Born into a family of famous actors, Drew Barrymore

was forced to emancipate herself from her mother when she was just 17
years old. Drew’s dad, John Barrymore, had essentially abandoned her by
then. “He was such a flighty bird – unattainable and off doing his own
thing.” Drew revealed in 2009. “I’m sure it’s affected my relationships
with men. I’m sure I’m sadder about it than I admit, but I accept that a
lot easier than my mother’s and my relationship, which is more
tumultuous.”