Author: Dale C. Hathaway
Date: December 2015
Abstract:
This is an attempt to put into a few words the depth of emotion I have experienced as my beloved daughter has been stolen from my affections. While I have at times felt devastated by the experience, the far more important issue for me is the impact on the life of my daughter. I offer this as a vehicle for education regarding this important, though controversial, topic.The beast named: parental alienation.
Oh to feel helpless when injustice is imposed by the established powers. To see an innocent child used by the adults in her life for their own purposes is to want to rage inside and out. But the rage is impotent. The child acts tough and in charge. She just “carries on.” And the world goes on, much as it always has.In prayer this morning the lectionary was from Isaiah:
God looked and saw evil looming on the horizon— so much evil and noGod has been looking on at his people and his creation for millenia, grieving at the pain and injustice his beloved have endured. He has watched as it has been repeated over and over again, generation after generation.
sign of Justice. He couldn’t believe what he saw: not a soul around to
correct this awful situation. So he did it himself, took on the work of
Salvation, fueled by his own Righteousness. He dressed in Righteousness,
put it on like a suit of armor, with Salvation on his head like a
helmet, Put on Judgment like an overcoat, and threw a cloak of Passion
across his shoulders. (59:15 ff.)
Who am I that think of myself as exceptional that I have seen and experienced my little acreage of injustice and innocent suffering?
What is this thing I have seen and experienced?
Briefly it is the description and associated theories of the process whereby a child of estranged parents rejects a once-loved parent for reasons that are absurd or indecipherable. The process by which this happens has been studied over the course of the last generation and many nuances have been pursued. It has been associated with circumstances of child abuse and distorted parenting.
“when a group of parental behaviors are damaging to children’s mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent.” [see esp.] 1 [but see also]2 “In a survey at the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts in 2010, 98% of the 300 respondents agreed with the question, “Do you think that some children are manipulated by one parent to irrationally and unjustifiably reject the other parent?”. However, Parental Alienation Syndrome refers not to this manipulation, but to a serious illness in the child in which he or she despises and rejects one of the parents.”3Some of the therapeutic literature focuses on the pathologies present in the rejecting parent. This might take the form of seeing patterns of the rejecting parent projecting his or her own inadequacies or abusive experiences onto the rejected parent. The pathology of the rejecting parent is of Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
“Superior courts worldwide are now recognizing parental alienation as serious child abuse with long-term effects and serious outcomes for the “PAS Child”. Some jurisdictions have enacted parental alienation as a criminal offense, the latest being Brazil and Mexico.”4Parental alienation has been a contentious concept in the family law arena as well as among mental health professionals (some of whom have been co-opted for use in the court arena) since the 1970’s. The Wikipedia article is a tremendous resource. [see also] 5
At the same time, the discussion has taken place largely in the context of the legal system, divorce proceedings, child custody disputes.
Symptoms:
Symptoms in the victim – the child – might include something like the following definition:
The child lacks attachment to a parent. In relationship to that parent, the child displays “grandiosity, entitlement, absence of empathy, haughty, arrogant behavior and delusional belief systems” about a parent being inadequate or abusive. The child engages in splitting, believing that one parent is entirely good and the other parent is entirely bad.
Except for the symptoms of attachment and delusional belief, each of these is a criterion in DSM 5 for either Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder*.6
The Child is the victim:
While the focus, in the courts and in the literature, is often on the parents in conflict, the primary concern is and ought to be on the child caught in the midst of parental forces.7Johnston (2005) defines an alienated child as one
who expresses, freely and persistently, unreasonable negative feelings and beliefs (such as anger, hatred, rejection and/or fear) toward a parent that are significantly disproportionate to the child’s actual experience with that parent. Entrenched alienated children are marked by unambivalent, strident rejection of the parent with no apparent guilt or conflict (p. 762).(quoted in http://www.vawnet.org/advanced-search/referring to Johnston, J.R., Walters, M.G., & Olesen, N.W. (2005). Is It Alienating Parenting, Role Reversal or Child Abuse? A Study of Children’s Rejection of a Parent in Child Custody Disputes. Journal of Child Custody*, 5, 191-218.) 8While the focus is properly on the true innocent victim in this process, recent research has paid attention to dynamics of the entire family system. This is in keeping with a general trend over recent generations to understand all of us as living in inter-related systems where what affects one may well affect another at some distance away.
Some formulations of the concept have emphasized the role of an alienating parent, termed variously the “programming” parent or “embittered-chaotic parent”. More recent descriptions, influenced by the research of Kelly and Johnston, have proposed a more complex analysis, in which all family members may play a role. This “systems-based” view acknowledges that a child may be alienated from one parent without “alienating” behaviour by the other parent. The results of an empirical study also suggest that alienating behaviors by both parents are the norm in high-conflict divorces. Rejected parents, generally fathers, tend to lack warmth and empathy with the child; instead, they engage in rigid parenting and critical attitudes. The rejected parent is often passive, depressed, anxious, and withdrawn - characteristics which may encourage further rejection. The parent that the child aligns with (the aligned parent) may engage in alienating behaviors, including undermining the other parent.9[and] 10The literature tends to assume that restoring the affection of the child to the rejected parent is a good thing. This is a good thing. Ultimately the parents’ wishes and needs must pass to the child and his or her well-being.
No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main. (John Donne)
My experience has been outside the focus of the literature
My parenting:
I used to joke about how God gave me multiple opportunities to learn how to be a father because I was so crappy at it that He gave me several chances to get it right (or better).
By the time I was working on my 3rd round of parenting, I was anything but the stereotypical American father: controlling, rigid, and remote.
I was engaged, loving, both maternal and paternal. I took the children to the doctors and made sure they were at soccer practice. I rocked them to sleep and read them stories at bedtime – up through middle school when they didn’t want it any more. I tried to provide a model for honesty, and accountability, believing that it was far more important for them to see me living the ideals I wanted them to learn and make their own.
Even in that setting I experienced how that set of circumstances could be used against me as a weapon.
I once experienced the American judicial system gone amuck in the name of protecting children.
An uneducated day care worker from another culture had just undergone child abuse training. She had learned there that if there was any indication of abuse with the child then she was required to report it to “the authorities.”
That worker didn’t understand me carrying my daughter on my shoulders into the day-care center every day. I took her every day, not her mother, and we laughed and played with great frequency. My daughter and I had a good rapport. The day care worker didn’t understand.
As a result the state intruded and prevented me from picking that child up from kindergarten that day and I underwent interrogation and investigation by the police department. They, of course, found no evidence of anything but a loving and involved parent.
I know something about these things and how easy it is to libel and defame an innocent person.
It seems that in the end my efforts to be the best possible father I could be were somehow used against me, somehow providing fodder for the alienation that was foisted onto my youngest children.
I have experienced how libel and lies can be used to tear down the innocent (myself) and to ultimately harm the truly innocent (my children).
The search for peace
Remorse for my part, mourning for the loss. Is there a lesson to be learned?
Divorce broke my marriage with my second wife and mother of two children. I had for years described my daughters to people I met as the “lights of my life”. I understood through them what it meant to be prepared to die to protect another person.I don’t mean to sidestep responsibility for divorce when I say that some alien force called “divorce” happened to us, like a tree falling on us in the midst of a torrential storm. I participated in the narrative that culminated in divorce. I broke my vow that I would never willingly engage in divorce again. I decided that staying married for the sake of the children was a greater burden on the children than I wanted to heap on them.
I no doubt misunderstood all the players in our family drama. But it must be said that I had worked very hard for many decades at understanding myself and the people in my life. I was not just some oaf. The people of my parish (I am an Episcopal priest) experienced me as deeply caring, compassionate and understanding.
It was not I that sought to make sure that my children would never speak to me again. I don’t know the nature of the accusations against me. But what I have experienced is a child who once adored me has nothing to do with me now.
Many are the children who have lost their parents too young. Many are the children who have overcome great depredation, only to succeed and even flourish. But what of the scars? What is the cost? Who pays? How might extended family members have assisted the well-being of the child? How did the courts contribute to the alienation? How did they fail the child? How did the churches and her leaders fail the child – all in the name of “staying above the fray” or voicing concern when actions suggested cowardice?
I don’t know the answer to most of the questions that I was left with through this experience. I write this from the lanai of a condominium overlooking the ’Au’au Channel and Moloka’i. I am sensitive to the great Spirit that flows through these islands and I know that my alienated daughter has felt that spirit herself. I am moving to a place where I am prepared to entrust her to the care of that Spirit. Most everyone else has let her down.
Resources:
Barbara Kay(2015). Barbara Kay: Teaching children to hate the ex. URL:http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/barbara-kay-teaching-children-to-hate-the-ex.Is Emotional Abuse as Harmful as Physical and Sexual Abuse? (2015). URL:https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/featured/emotional-abuse-harmful-physical-sexual-abuse/13944.
Parental alienation(2015).en.Wikipedia:PageVersionID:696354612. URL:https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612.
The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children.
Wallin, Paul (2015). Should Parental Alienation Be a Crime? | WK. URL:http://www.wkfamilylaw.com/parental-alienation-crime/.
Notes:
- https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
- http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/barbara-kay-teaching-children-to-hate-the-ex ↩
- https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
- http://www.vawnet.org/advanced-search/print-document.php?doc_id=1679&find_type=web_desc_AR ↩
- The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children*(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children. ↩
- https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
- The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children*(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children. ↩
- The Impact of Parental Alienation on Children*(2015). URL:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children. ↩
- https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Parental_alienation&oldid=696354612 ↩
- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children ↩
